The Expert on Xanderly Behaviour
by Charlie Quinn
Summary: SLASH. Xander likes himself more than is probably normal. Bad Xanders.


PAIRING: Xander/Xander  
  
CATEGORY: Fluff.  
  
FEEDBACK: Yes, please.  
  
SUMMARY: I can't remember the actual name of the episode in series 5, but I like to call it "The One With the Two Xanders." Xander likes himself more than is probably normal.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Buffy and all things Buffy-verse belong to Joss Whedon and Warner Brothers.  
  
NOTES: I'm not Xander-bashing at all here, it's just how I believe Xander would see himself.  
  
I'm sitting in the back of the car next to.me. It's kinda weird, but I am slowly getting used to the intensely bizarre situation of talking to myself. And not in an internal dialogue kind of way. I always thought it'd be pretty cool to have another version of myself around, to do stuff like the washing up, and scrubbing the toilet. But, like everything else on the Hellmouth, it hasn't exactly turned out the way I hoped.  
  
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm pretty sure that I'm the Xander that will be cleaning the toilet and scrubbing that stain out of the rug. And that stain isn't even my fault.  
  
Stupid.other Xander.  
  
"So what do I call you?" I ask him.me.  
  
The other Xander makes a 'duh' gesture. "You can call me Xander," he says, as if it's perfectly obvious.  
  
"No," I disagree. "I'm Xander. You're.not."  
  
The other me makes a small, exasperated noise. I briefly wonder if I'm always this annoying and reject the thought immediately. I'm not annoying. I'm.lovable.  
  
"And what makes me so not Xander-like?" Pseudo Xander snaps. "And since when were you made the authority on Xanderly behaviour in the first place?"  
  
"Well, you know. That whole 'being Xander' thing gave me a bit of a head start," I retort.  
  
"Fine." The other me holds up his hands. "Since you're covered in all that fine looking crap, I'll just call you Dirty Xander!"  
  
Dirty Xander? Dirty Xander?  
  
"Fine!" There's a lengthy silence before I continue. "Clean Xander!"  
  
// Oh, good one. You're still king of the comebacks, // my internal dialogue reminds me. Clean Xander's right, though. I am covered in crap. And I'm wet. You'd think the rain would have washed off some of the dirt. And now Clean Xander is staring at me. His eyes are bugging out a bit. Oh, God, please don't tell me my eyes bug out like that when I'm staring at something.  
  
I bet they do.  
  
This is the worst thing to happen. Ever.  
  
He's got.I've got a big nose. And my eyebrows resemble a monkey. And I'm not even going to get started on the shape of my head, but suffice to say, it's distinctly un-head like.  
  
I think I'm gonna cry. And stupid Clean Xander is still staring. At. Me.  
  
"Hey," he says, smiling a little. For that I'm grateful. I don't look half as goofy.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We've really buffed up, haven't we? Since we got that job?"  
  
I peer at Clean Xander. "Have we?"  
  
"Oh, yeah," he replies, his eyes roaming over my body. Suddenly, it clicks.  
  
// Oh, my Lord! He's checking me out! // And he's not shy about it either. Christ - am I always this subtle? Does Clean Xander not realise how incredibly obvious he is?  
  
"What's wrong?" He's frowning now.  
  
"Nuh.nothing," I stutter. I'm panicking. If there's one thing weirder than a copy of yourself, it's having said double of self checking you out.  
  
"Hey, I know me better than that!" Clean Xander smiles, and he even pats my thigh. "So what's up?"  
  
I smile weakly. "Really, it's nothing."  
  
Clean Xander wiggles closer next to me. I glance up at Riley, who's driving, and he's studiously ignoring us. Maybe by ignoring us, he thinks that we'll meld back into one of our own accord. Maybe he's right - I could end up with three hands, or two noses. Or even two penises! Actually, that last bit wouldn't be too bad. I could adjust to that without much trouble. I wouldn't complain.  
  
Hang on - he's.snuggling. Why is he snuggling up to me?  
  
"Why are you snuggling up to me?"  
  
Clean Xander smirks up at me. Wow.I have a really cute smirk.I look kinda, sexy, even. Did I just say I looked sexy? I did. And I do look kinda sexy. So I smile back at Clean Xander.  
  
And then he kisses me. It's like.whoa. I never knew I was such a good kisser. Giles said we each got different Xanderish qualities - maybe Clean Xander got all the good kissing bits. I hope I'm not too disappointing.  
  
Clean Xander puts a hand on my.manly bits. Whoa. Obviously he's not disappointing me. I really should return the favour.  
  
I guess I'm not disappointing Clean Xander.  
  
Clean Xander mumbles my name as we pull apart. His eyes are heavy lidded and his lips are red. If I look even half as lustful as he does at the moment, then there's no wonder he's kissing me and rubbing his hand up my thigh like he's doing now.  
  
"Riley? Pull over." It's more of an order than a request, but like the good military boy he is, Riley does what he's told. Then, probably for his own sake more than anything, he gets out of the car with a wry smile on his lips.  
  
Seconds later, Clean Xander's mouth devours my own, and at that moment, I think we're closer than any of Will's spells could ever make us be.  
  
But pretty soon I'm proven wrong. And I can't say I'm upset about it in the slightest.  
  
End 


End file.
